I'll take a Bantha Burger, extra crispy.

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Article posted on the Galactic News Service by Doc Jessa on Day 178 of Year 11. Article also known as I'll take a Sentient Burger, extra crispy.


The following message has been relayed through the communication channels of Fuzz Inc. via the realm of the Binaros Smuggling Alliance...

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Fear and panic has gripped the galaxy with an iron fist with unconfirmed reports of corporate bankruptcy flooding hologrids and news feeds throughout the systems of known space. Whether a mathematical error or a true fact, electronically updated financial reports of all galactic companies have began to show sharp decline in capital, with many possibly declaring bankruptcy. While the stock exchange continued to trade throughout the day despite the error, many galactic sentients fearful of economic turmoil, began to trade stocks at a record level. The startling fact however is that despite a possible error, many around the galaxy are already viewing the incident as fact, and a number of riots have broken out among the galaxy. With crime raging due to the possible loss of a lifetimes fortune, many hysterical workers and famiilies face the dilemma of what to do now. With their fortunes invested in global conglomerates now most likely broke, company stakeholders have been seen packing their goods and heading for the nearest sun in desperation to rid themselves of such depression and anxiety.

Doc Jessa reporting here again for Fuzz Inc. with an alarming turn of events. While corporate executives and government officials lock themselves inside their corporate headquarters, sentients continue to demand a fiscal overview of their investments as hologrids report massive losses for all galactic businesses. While such a phenomenon is unheard of in the galaxy, many pessimistic sentients believe the Galactic Civil War has finally broken the back of the economy, and that big business has finally crumbled under the might of inflation. While limited communication has been established with the galaxy, and with the hologrid being investigated for malfunctions, sentients across the Inner and Outer Rims of the galaxy run riot as their financial futures appear bleak. A number of small companies have released short statements assuring the public that the issue is a 'bug' and that investors and stakeholders shouldn't worry, but with such fear and anxiety gripping the galaxy, galactic sentients appear to be rejecting such a statement as a means to overshadow such a monumental financial loss to stop bloodshed and panic.

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While the economic downturn appears to have affected every sentient in the galaxy, many less fortunate sentients appear to be visiting a growing holiday destination, their local sun. While the economy continues to suffer the wrath of inflation, many appear to have viewed today’s malfunction as the final straw. While on the ground throughout the disaster, many Fuzz Inc. officials spotted a number of Hutt crime figures boarding their personal vessels with an indisputable path for the sun. The apparent reason for the mass exodus is due to mass criminal debt and fear of torture. But it’s not just crime lords that are turning into a crispy bantha, it’s both successful and poor sentients that are heading towards the light, ridding themselves of the galaxy as their fiscal future has become unraveled in front of their very eyes. Many recognized galactic figures including Mia Logan, the former leader of Kobola, a Mecrotica company, have recently partaken in the ritual, and the trend only appears to be continuing at an alarming rate.

While the fear of financial bankruptcy is a horrific situation to face, Fuzz Inc. urges all sentients to work through the harsh times. Most likely caused by a hologrid malfunction, personal finances will no doubt return to a previous state of prosperity in a short time. We were able to speak with Lord Seele, Chief Executive Officer of Galactic Bank of Credit and Commerce, who was able to shed some light about the issue. 'The calculations for the automatic assessment of bankruptcy in use by all major banking and government organisations has been a cause for concern only for only financial institutions. At the end of the day it's a well understood bug, and galactic trade has continued without any hiccups and consumer confidence remains high. The best advice GBCC can offer is that if investors are wary, then they should contact the relevant presiding bank to clarify on the solubility of trading corporations until the software's fix is rolled out across the galactic networks'.

While more and more sentients continue to head towards suns to clense themselves of the galaxy, governments can only urge their citizens to think of their families and that the hard times always pass. However, if the flights don’t change their plans, governments won’t have any citizens left as suicide rates only continue to grow. While self help and charity organizations have begun opening Suicide Help Facilities to help with the epidemic, one can only ask, is it too late to stop the trend? Fuzz out.