Oops! They did it again!
Oops, They Did It Again
Good evening, everybody. This is Galactic News Corporation ace reporter Kyrn Heoru-Gard, reporting from the spectacular luxury caisson Slick Sam's Sabaac on Coruscant. The bright and profitable scene behind me stands in stark contrast to the grim tidings coming from the Sevarcos system, under Remnant interdiction. The Galactic News Corporation has learned that a terrorist group, the Eidolon band of cut-throats has captured yet another Remnant citizen.
This comes just days after Remnant Pro-Consul Zee Wolf and Imperial Inquisition officer Yoshi Hikaru begged Remnant citizens to avoid associating with Eidola, for fear that no Remnant member could possibly out-wit an Eidolon.
Our correspondents, operating under official Remnant license, have managed to secure a guarantee of safe passage from the chief brigand on Sevarcos, the self-dubbed "Quarter-Master of Deliciousness" Soge Kihei . They were able to set up a communications post, which will permit me to directly speak with Shadowy Minister Of Doom & Other Assorted Misfortune Adam Zad. We must ask our viewers to keep in mind that Zad is a notorious murderer and traitor, and that everything he says is suspect - he could well attempt to curry favour for himself or Eidola.
Minister Zad : "...yeah, well, maybe I'll come over there and kill you with a sword, you grog-spilling bastard! I don't give a damn what he did to you, and I sure as hell won't let anyone treat my drink like that!
Correspondent Heoru-Gard : "Minister? Minister? You're on the air with the Galactic News Corporation, sir. The interview you promised."
Minister Zad : "Oh, yes, of course. I have prepared a statement for this." He coughs, and pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket, and begins to speak a professional, uninvolved tone, almost as though he were delivering an educational lecture to a group of bored students of Astro-Astro Biology. "Ah, yes, here it is : 'Eidola is the marauding, numbing terror of the night. We will steal your ships from their berths, murder you while you sleep, and eat your children in front of your dying eyes. And I personally will have intimate knowledge of all of your living parents.' Err, I suppose I could take some questions now."
Reporter Heoru-Gard : "Just their living parents? I thought you were known for your ability to ignore vital signs."
Minister Zad : "Yes, that's right. You see, if we used up the dead ones, then we'd have no kindling to start the bon-fires with which we'll burn down your homes."
Reporter Heoru-Gard : "Minister, would you be able to tell us about anything about the Remnant officer whom you captured?"
Minister Zad : "Oh, I didn't capture him myself. That was all Jess's work...Jessica Hyde, I mean. A lovely lady, just lovely...*mmmm*...much like yourself, come to think of it. She snatched the poor bugger straight off of Coruscant, right from the Remnant's training facilities. A young lad, and most eager to please Jess, he was."
Ace Reporter Heoru-Gard : "I was going to ask you how the victim was lured aboard, but I suppose you just answered that, didn't you? "
Minister Zad : "Yes, yes, I did. But if you like, I provide details. We even have holos, you know - both still and motion. Jess's work is most...captivating, and the unlucky Mr. Shrike Templar was a quite willing and enthusiastic participant - at least at first."
Ace Reporter Kyrn Heoru-Gard : "Has the Imperial Remnant made any effort to retrieve their lost member?"
Minister Zad : "I'm afraid the Remnant lost its member long before Eidola was even founded. But if you meant Shrike, then I must admit that the Remnant absolutely stymied us on this one. Their strategy was completey unexpected. Instead of negotiating for his release, or attempting a rescue effort, or following a more Imperial route and demanding his freedom, or pursuing any of the half-dozen traditional responses when a hostage is captured, they just kicked Shrike out of the Remnant altogether. I suppose it was a rather pointless effort to save face, so they could deny we'd captured one of their people."
Award-Winning Ace Reporter Kyrn Heoru-Gard : "Have you killed Shrike yet, or are you saving him for some sort of human sacrifice? Will his life be dedicated to your dark gods atop a mountain during a stormy night, surrounded by dozens of robe-clad acolytes, a blade of obsidian used to slice out his heart while he lies tied screaming to a stone tablet?"
Minister Zad : (laughing) "Oh my, whatever must you think of us? We're not complete savages out here, you know. Shrikey's a good lad, and he hasn't been harmed in anyway. He knows we got him fair and square, and he's been quite a good sport about it. We'll have to store him in the Brig, eventually, but for now he's a guest, of sorts. Drinks our tea, eats our biscuits and hard tack, all the usual."
Stunningly Attractive Kyrn Heoru-Gard : "So no torture whatsoever? I must admit, I'm rather disappointed. I thought you Eidolons were more...exotic than that."
Minister Zad : "Well, I suppose there is one ritual that might interest you. Mind you, it's more of a hazing than anything else, nothing more severe than you might find in any good public boarding school. We like to call it the 'Jolly Rogering.' "
High Priestess Kyrn Heoru-Gard of The Cult Of The Sinister Ducks : "That sounds...fasinating." She licks her lips. "What can you tell me about it?"
Minister Zad : "Not much, I'm sorry to say. It's something of a secret, a matter to be kept just among us pirates. But I can tell you that it always brightens up my day, and it's a good spot of fun for all...expect perhaps the victim. Come to think of up, Lady Asarya did say that although she wasn't equipped for it, she admired the Jolly Rogering for its effectiveness, and said that compared to us, she was only an amateur. Not quite sure what she meant by that, precisely."
Vicious Cabaret Dancer Kyrn Heoru-Gard : (visibly sickened) "Thank you, Minister, but we're out of time."