The War on Weskerism
Good morning ladies, gentlemen, and other sentients. I'm Kyrn Heoru-Gard, and this is the Galactic News Corporation 0700 broadcast. Our top story today is a series of rolling power outages on Borola, but first, another terrifying holo-message from hot new terrorists, Eidola. Please be advised that this tape is not suitable for children, pregnant females, or those with a heart or liver condition.
The holo-camera turns on, and a tall, broad man dressed in a blue uniform appears. He approaches a podium, and begins to speak.
"Greetings. I am Adam Zad, Acting Commandant of the Wham! Pow! Military Academy at Roon, the institution which first developed a threat-assessment of the Wesker clan. In this capacity, I can say with complete certainty and utter assurance that there is a slight chance that we may have made a minor miscalculation in our judgement of the dangers posed by the Weskers. At 0300 this morning, the experts of Wham! Pow! have issued a new threat assessment - instead of being a menace to the safety and security of the entire Galaxy, it appears that the Weskers are no longer alive. In completely unrelated, two more Weskers were killed today, at 0200 this morning, by Eidolon operatives. Here to provide you with more details is Jessica Hyde, assassin and anti-dentite."
A beautiful young woman garbed in red satin comes into view, elbowing Zad away from the podium.
"As my friend Adam has described, two more Weskers have fallen to the might of Eidola. We can now confirm that they are, or rather were, Bryce and Warrick Wesker. They were captured in a sting operation carried out by a paid Eidolon operative. Unfortunately, he was unable to arrest the pair of them, and they were able to make their escape from his ship, merrily skipping and jumping the whole way. Unfortunately for them, however, the ship which rescued them belonged to another paid Eidolon operative. Once they had entered the docking tube, the two pilots simply retracted clamps, and moved apart, allowing the Weskers to float freely into space. We are hailing this operation as a triumph for our Putting Resources Into Voluntary Associates To Effectively Eliminate Rancor-Bait program, or PRIVATEER. To learn more about this initiative, you may contact any member of Eidola.
Another man comes into view, clad in the most outlandish pirate costume imaginable, so over the top that it must be some kind of joke. He has a large nametag, which reads "Governor Derek Shado : How May I Be of Service?"
Howdy there, folks. I'm Derek, bringin' y'all some good news. Because of the elimination of the Wesker, we here in the Eidolon governmental apparatus have decided to lower the overall threat warning level from condition "Rum" to condition "Grog." You may now safely go about your business, schools on Sevarcos and the outer planets have been re-opened, and our fine civil service corps is sobering up after a long, well-deserved break. But please, please remember this one vital fact : our threat warning level nomenclature has no relation to the quality or status of our alcohol. We would never water down our rum - it is always drunk straight, or as part of a mixed beverage.
A terrifying message. Once again, with this massacre worthy of Bloody Asarya herself, Eidola has proven itself to be a formidable foe. We'll be right back, after this message from our sponsors.